Gaijin Superpowers

While looking up our intended agenda for our whirlwind Japan trip next month, I came across something really interesting. A blog, started back in 2005 by a young African-American individual and alumnus of the JET program (for those unaware, the JET program brings foreigners with college degrees over to Japan to assist in English classes, very cool in my opinion). In any case, this blog dealt with his misadventures in Tokyo. One of the older, but more interesting, entries deals with the superpowers granted to foreigners upon stepping foot in the Japanese archipelago. Some of these are just point-blank hilarious and the sad part is, all are pretty much 100% accurate. Enjoy the descriptions and see my analysis below:

From: http://www.gaijinsmash.net

Gaijin Smash - I can't take credit for Gaijin Smash; it was my friend's creation. A Gaijin Smash is anytime a Westerner exerts inherent dominance over the Japanese people. We do what we want and they can't stop us. The Japanese people do what we want because they can't stand up to us. It's beautiful. The best way to define Gaijin Smash is through examples.

When we went out drinking one of my friends would buy the cheapest return ticket, just to get him through the gates. When we'd arrive home, his ticket triggered the gate alarms, but he'd just plow right through and keep walking. The station worker would look up, and he'd want to say something, he really did. But then he was confronted by a Gaijin walking quickly away from him. I can only imagine the thoughts running through his head. "Oh my God! Do I have to speak English? What if I make him angry? Will he eat my children?" Paralyzed, the worker can only stand there while my friend escapes. Gaijin Smash.

Or, take a look at recent current events. Japan has troops in Iraq. Japan barely has troops at all yet there they are in Iraq. Why do you think that is?

President Bush: Hey Japan, America's gonna invade Iraq. We want you to send us some troops for support.

Prime Minister Koizumi: Um, but...we don't really have an army, just a Self-Defense Force. And NOBODY here has anything to do with Iraq, the public is strongly anti-war, it's kind of pointless for us...

Bush: I don't care. Coalition of the Willing. You're coming.

Koizumi: Ok. I'm sorry for my insolence. The troops are on their way.

Bush: Oh yeah. Gaijin Smash.

For the record, the first ever Gaijin Smash recorded in history was performed by Commodore Matthew Perry in 1853. Japan closed borders and was very isolationist. Then one day, Perry rolled up demanding Japan open its borders for foreign commerce.

Perry: Hey! Open up Japan!

The Japanese: That's an interesting idea. Here's another one. How about we shuffle our feet until you get frustrated and leave?

Perry: A'ight. I'll be back.

7 months later, Perry returned with nine, count 'em, nine gunships.

Perry: Hey Japan! Open up. Or I'll blast you clear into China.

The Japanese: Aaahhhh! Mr. Perry-san, welcome to Japan! Please do come in!

Perry: Gaijin Smash.

Lest I forget, I should explain that as guests in a foreign country, we're supposed to learn and assimilate some of our host's culture and tradition. So if you are ever in a position to perform some of these attacks, you should first strike a series of stylish and overblown poses, while screaming out the attack name with all your might. Anything less is just dishonorable.

Before you actually do that though, you should smirk and explain exactly how your attack works and what you did to get it. For example, for Gaijin Smash, one might say (I still love "one might say"), "Haha, I have already won this fight. I shall now show you the awesome power of my Gaijin Smash. I acquired this attack when I was born with a bigger body than you. Over the years, I developed it by keeping up a steady diet of McDonalds, and parking in the closest spaces to wherever I went. It is the perfect attack."

Although the explanation speech works best if one of your friends who is watching gives it for you (while you maintain your smirk). In the absence of friends or onlookers you can say it yourself.

Gaijin Power - I was in a local bar with two male friends, American and Japanese. This bar is kind of known as a pick-up bar, especially for Japanese women and foreign men. Anyway, our Japanese friend spotted a cute girl. We told him to go talk to her, but he refused, saying it was pointless because he'd only fail. We tried to tell him he wouldn't know until he actually tried, but no go. "You guys don't understand," he said, "You have Gaijin Power so you have no problems getting girls."

Gaijin Power? The hell is that? This wasn't the first time I'd heard this from Japanese men, so my friend and I tried to find out more about this "Gaijin Power." We both set out and, working as a Dynamic Duo (Holy Japanese sluts, Batman!), we found pairs of girls and tried to talk to them. We were pretty unsuccessful, which leads me to believe our Japanese friend was full of shit. Or maybe we just suck.

Gaijin Optic Blast - This is usually more of a counter-attack. We foreigners get stared at. A lot. Gaijin Optic Blast is the wonderful technique of staring back. It's so easy, yet so effective! As soon as they realize we're staring back, they look away. It's like a projectile version of the Gaijin Smash. The only thing is, you have to keep up the Gaijin Optic Blast, because as soon as they think you are looking away, they resume staring. Do it right though, and once is a charm.

On bad days, I'll spread my Gaijin Perimeter, and combo a Gaijin Optic Blast into a Gaijin Smash for 70% damage. And when I have meter... watch out, cause then I can cancel into Super Gaijin Smash, and there's just no coming back from that.

Analysis: The Gaijin Smash

Put simply, this is playing the "dumb foreigner" card even when you're perfectly capable and completely understand what's going on. You play dumb so you can break social norms, skip to the front of lines, avoid paying train fares, etc. Personally, I don't find much appeal in this, however it becomes important if you're ever dealing with "The Law" overseas. I do not condone using the Gaijin Smash to skirt paying for things (although my girlfriend suggested a really funny Gaijin Smash where one could deliberately underpay for something, nod and bow a lot, and walk out), but I do believe it can be important to play dumb if one runs into trouble. If I was ever stopped by a cop overseas, I'd probably feign ignorance of the Japanese language entirely. It saves so many complications that could possibly arise in a nasty situation.

A side note: I was personally Gaijin Smashed by a Mexican national that I had a car accident with. He was speaking perfect English, yelling at me, until the cop showed up and then he magically, conveniently, forgot any and all of the English he had ever learned. Funny, since he had a Mexican drivers license and no insurance on that car, and yet managed to skirt any and all ticket fines because of the language barrier. Gaijin Smash.

I hope I will never have to use or abuse this power, although the potential for hilarity is high.

Analysis: The Gaijin Power

This is a legend that I've heard time and time again ever since I first became interested in Japanese language and culture. Apparently, Westerners have some sort of exotic appeal in Japan, so much so that a guy with pretty much zero luck with women in his own country can go over there and become a Casanova overnight simply because he looks different (not necessarily better, but *different*). And although Japan is a very homogeneous society, it's "in vogue" for the younger generations to intermingle with Westerners. That said, I had huge doubts about how strong this superpower would be to the average American Otaku. I doubted very much very many young Japanese women would be racing to fawn over the average dorkus maximus as he fawned over the BlazBlue cabinets peppered all over Tokyo's game centers that he never saw back home.

I've known quite a few people during my Japanese studies in college who went abroad to study...nearly all of them came back with Japanese fiancees. Note I said FIANCEES and not girlfriends! It was amazing. And these were all angsty gaijins much like myself who really didn't have the best luck in the world when it came to the fairer sex. Most were exceptionally bitter about it, but were very curious if the legends of the Gaijin Power were true. And they returned with smoking hot Japanese girls that wanted to marry them! Amazing!

But something else happened to those guys as well, something that the GaijinSmash blog fails to mention. I've witnessed this phenomenon firsthand multiple times, and have dubbed it: 外人メトロ変身, or, in Romaji/English, the "Gaijin Metro Henshin" ("Gaijin Metro Metamorphosis"). Somehow, dating a Japanese fashionista managed to "clean" these guys up, in some ways more alarming than others. They began dressing nicer, wearing fashionable clothes daily, carrying man purses (yes, there is such a thing, and they're VERY common in Japan), and changing their entire demeanor to appear VERY, VERY metrosexual. And it STICKS when they come back to the States. I theorize that the cause of this is directly related to a cataclysmic explosion of one's latent Gaijin Power abilities, similar to what happens to Ichigo's reiatsu when he goes into Hollow mode or Son Gokou's power level when he powers up to Super Saiyan. But unlike Ichigo or Gokou's transformations that fade after a period of time, the explosion of one's own Gaijin Power creates a lasting physical shift that, over time, can become permanent.

All that said, I believe I did have a run-in with my latent Gaijin Power abilities last year in Kobe (not that I was trying to use them, mind you, I'm quite happily taken by a wonderful girl here in the States). I was at a convenience store, trying to buy some snacks, when I realized I needed an unusual amount of change. Now, those who have been to Japan already know that there are many more coins than bills (in amounts similar to $1 and $5 along with smaller ones), so you end up carrying around a lot of coins eventually. I needed a 50 yen coin, around 50 cents, and was fumbling around in my massive stack of coins, apologizing to the clerk since there were people waiting in line behind me, when I get a tap on the shoulder. I turn to my right to see a cute Japanese girl (not in line at the time) who hands me a 50 yen coin. The two Japanese guys I was with started cracking up and were snapping cellphone pictures of me as I paid. I politely thanked the girl and tried to give the money back after receiving some change from the clerk, but she'd have none of it. Keep in mind that the people of Kobe are by nature friendly, at least I noticed it moreso than Tokyo, but it was still pretty funny to see the Gaijin Power at work.

Analysis: The Gaijin Optic Blast


Oh, so true. So very, very true. I know I said above that Kobe is filled with nice people... but one thing that made me uncomfortable to no end was the amount of staring. Now, I know our hotel was located in a high-fashion district. And I also know that my size and body type would make me stand out as I explored the area. BUT - did I really look so different that people needed to stop and gawk as I passed by? Over and over? I felt like I was wearing some kind of stuffed animal suit, the way EVERYONE would turn around and look at me. It felt REALLY strange at first. In fact, it was at that moment when I decided I really, really didn't want to live in Japan permanently, EVER. But if I would have known about the Gaijin Optic Blast, I could have avoided the tremendous amount of awkwardness I felt upon first stepping off the Shinkansen into Kobe. When someone stares at you, stare back. Simple. Effective. A projectile version of Gaijin Smash. And priceless.

If I have staring problems when going to Tokyo this year, or I notice that Lisa is getting Japanese Optic Blast'd, you can bet I will counter with a Gaijin Optic Blast that will knock that gaper clear off his feet.

So in conclusion, the superpowers of the Gaijin are more than myth, they're legend. And they work. If you plan on travelling to Japan anytime, remember to keep these tips in mind. They can save grief, cause amusement, and make the trip more enjoyable. The Japanese are xenophobic, and you will encounter discrimination (especially if you try to live there)...but with your Gaijin powers, you can take the lemons they feed you and make a very sweet, delicious, ice-cold glass of lemonade.

ULTRA COMBO!!!!!!!!!!!